Sunday, September 25, 2011

Milk WHAT???

Anyone who knows my Dad, know that he is an amazing man. He is too funny for words and when he decides to write down events that have taken place that he is a part of you know its going to be good.
Well last Friday September 23 2011 (which was my dads birthday) he and my mom went to a Western BBQ with my girls Baili and Kristen at their school. I was not able to attend because I myself was in school classes that day as well. So my parents took on the challenge.
It seemed to be quit the tale and my Dad took it upon himself to share the events of the day through an email he sent to my siblings. Below is the tall tale. I hope that you enjoy it as much as I did. I plan to keep this story for years to come and share it with my girls as well.

I call this story "Milk WHAT???"

It's what happens in the lunch room at school that makes you realize
it's a changing world. We should eat the ice cream before it melts.
We (Grandma and I) went to Baili and Kirsten's school to have "BBQ"
Lunch with them. I was excited to get a BBQ Burger and "Chips' from
the school lunch cafeteria. What could they possibly do to a
hamburger and pre packaged chips I thought. Upon arrival we paid for
our lunch, collected up Kristen and waited for Baili to show up in the
big room where the food was being served by people with clear gloves
on. I wondered if the gloves were for their protection or mine? With
hungry children in tow we proceeded to the formal lunch line. There
were lots of hungry children present and parents or others from a
previous generation. Presenting our "Ticket" we were given a
Styrofoam multi compartment tray. I remember the days when we used
the brown speckled plastic you can't break this tray. Generally these
plastic trays had particles of the previous meal or possibly a portion
of some meal in the distant past. So, the new Styrofoam multi
compartment tray could be a good thing. We are now approaching the
area where food is distributed to your Styrofoam tray by those people
wearing clear plastic gloves.

Cheeseburger? was the question. I responded to the affirmative and my
hamburger selected at random from a distribution tray of 50 +/-
prepared hamburger / bun combinations was opened and a slice of cheese
stuffed inside. About 1/3 of the cheese made in into the prepared
hamburger - bun combination thus converting this generic hamburger to
a "cheeseburger". It seems appropriate at this point to add a note
that in the course of approaching the first distribution point which
was the main course, I scanned the prepared hamburgers, did not notice
any movement in the tray and all appeared to be acceptable. The
stainless steel tray gave the appearance of food service excellence
and professionalism. The combination unit hit my Styrofoam tray and
I evaluated the cheese placement and decided to make adjustments so
that I had a full cheeseburger considering most of the cheese was not
on the burger. The next station required a brief consultation with
the young person who was so willing to place another item on my
Styrofoam tray. I retracted the tray until I received sufficient
information after my inquiry - What's that? The data provided by the
optical sensors was somewhat distorted. The substance was either
Beans or Chocolate cake in a cup. Since one of the options was Beans,
the information processor immediately flagged the substance as
questionable, hence the retraction of the Styrofoam tray. The
dispensing individual responded to the inquiry and confirmed the
substance was in fact Beans. Without a taste test it would be
difficult to determine what the substance was. I did not want to pass
up chocolate cake if that was in fact the substance in question. The
additional data provided by the distribution professional (with clear
plastic gloves) serving was sufficient confirmation. Following a
brief period of disappointment that it was not chocolate cake, I
declined the offer and proceeded to the next station. At the next
station, there was no opportunity to determine what the object was
that so quickly landed on my Styrofoam tray. Upon close examination,
the wrapper provided the needed info that this rectangular shaped item
was an ice cream sandwich. This data was quickly processed and the
object was accepted. After all, it was pre packaged by others and
what could possibly happen to it prior to being placed on my Styrofoam
tray. At the next station I received a "scoop" of what appeared to be
fruit cocktail. I actually got 8 grapes, a fragment of a cherry and
some yellow squares. Not so many yellow squares though. I next
received the long awaited bag of "chips." Baili told me I would get
some of these. I have had these before, 2 fairly large potato chips,
one smaller one and multiple pieces that would probably sum up to
another medium size chip once upon a time. At the next station which
was not manned by gloved up people I determined we were to serve
ourselves to mayo, lettuce, onions and tomato. We partook of the
items we wanted to adorn our hamburger or cheeseburger.

The final station was to receive a pillow of milk. It looked like a little
pillow with either brown or white liquid inside. A young Golden
Corral trainee with gloves held up one of each. No words were
actually spoken, simply a nod was sufficient to receive the brown one.
This was either liquid chocolate cake or considering it came out of
some kind of refrigerated unit, it could be chocolate milk. As we
left the serving area my thoughts turned to how in the world am I
going to drink that bladder of milk without making a mess. I then
remembered that Baili and Kristen were experienced at this and all
would be well. I placed all my faith in Baili as she explained the
process to acquire the contents of the milk bladder. She explained:
you take the straw (located in the packet with your napkin and smork.
Smork (a tehnical term Baili did not use) is a combination spoon and
fork specifically designed so only one implement is needed for
conveying the food from the Styrofoam tray to the mouth) now back to
the straw, Baili continued...placing your thumb over the opening of
the straw at the blunt end you poke it into the bladder of milk. She
demonstrated and WALA! The straw went in and I wondered in amazement
why it did not come out the other side. I tried and the straw did not
penetrate the bladder but bounced off. My response to Baili was that
I needed to use more force. She took the straw out of my hand and
performed the operation for me. Baili is smart since I was sitting
next to her and was an amateur at this; she took charge so I would not
make a mess of things. Good call! With this task complete we could
now begin to eat. Hamburger first seemed the right thing to do.
Combining hamburger, chips and grapes (aka Fruit Cocktail) we all
enjoyed our BBQ Meal. When I got to the Ice Cream sandwich it had
melted and was a challenge to eat. I am happy to report that this
task was completed and I did not get any on my shirt. This is
generally not the case. Kristen dove into her Ice Cream Sandwich and
the conclusion was that it was good. There was some evidence from
eyebrows to chin and all fingers that her ice cream sandwich had
melted too.
After finishing our meal we needed to dispose of our left over
packaging from the chips, ice cream sandwich and crumbs. I assumed
the Styrofoam Tray could be disposed and would not be reused for the
reasons previously mentioned. Baili showed the way again. At the
trash receptacle I noticed multiple hamburgers / cheeseburgers in the
trash basically untouched. My first thought was to the youngsters who
disposed of these burgers that I could have made a “double” out of
that. Then the other thoughts there are people down the street with
signs that say “will work for food”…. And other such things. I need
to tell these people to stand next to the trash can at the school
during lunch and get some burgers. I started to look for some ice
cream sandwiches that were not eaten. I reached into the trash can to
move one of the Styrofoam trays and the lunch police lady gave me "the
look" indicating this would be setting a poor example to the
youngsters. The bottom line here is to eat your ice cream before it
melts. If you get filled up from that it’s ok to dispose of the
hamburger or cheeseburger. I wonder what the kids would think if
someone stood by the trash can and sent them back to finish the
hamburger or cheeseburger before they can leave the area! Wow, I
could bring an end to world hunger. Think of how many school lunches
on Styrofoam trays don't get eaten. A trip to the rest room to wash
our hands and for Kristen - back to class. Baili went to the
playground. Grandma and Grandpa went to rest. The other subject would
be the requirement for hearing protection during lunch. i believe the
audio level in the eating area was above OSHA guidelines for requiring
hearing protection. That's another subject for another day. What


We have clarified that a smork should really be a spork, apparently Baili has yet to learn the real name for it.
Also because Baili's lunch was before Kristen's, Kristen was able to go back and have lunch again when it was time for the kindergartners to eat. She was thrilled to have a "SECOND LUNCH!" (which she announced at the top of her lungs to every one in the cafeteria) and only ate the ice cream and the chips this time around.

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