So since this is my blog I am allowed to post what I want right?....Well I am and I am sorry if this just seems like a pity party but that is how this post is gonna go, so do not read on if you do not care. LOLLately nothing seems to be going right for me. School is such a downer. I have failed yes failed every single test I have taken this quarter. I study like crazy, one day for one of my classes I spent 6 hours of my day in the tutor lab. That is not including the 2 hour experiment lab I did that day and the hour of class I attend as well. This seems to be an ongoing thing for me. I have not missed a class yet this quarter and I am just tired of this nonsense. I cannot help but get mad and frustrated when I fail. What am I doing wrong? Argh.
Then, it sure is not the easiest thing being a single mom. Everyday brings new challenges. I feel like I cannot at all compare to other moms out there, and I sometimes think that well Rebekah you made the choice to become single so deal. I know that my choices were the right ones to make and that ultimately me and my girls will be better off for it, and so far we are, it is just really hard to be all alone raising 2 girls.
Speaking of being alone, I am lonely. Sometimes my loneliness is worse then other times. But it's mostly at night when my kids are in bed and I am watching The Office or something and laugh, and no one else is laughing with me. I call my sister Kim like 20 times a day just to tell her about what I am doing. And to complain and talk about my drama with my ex husband. I know she doesn't mind but I know it's gotta get old. I am trying to put myself out there back in the "dating" world and I just feel so unwanted by men, I think who wants to take on my kind of baggage? Who wants to deal with my emotions, and my life?
Then there are times when I feel ok, and happy with life and I hear myself laugh or feel myself smile and I like myself. Life doesn't seem so bad for that brief moment. But that is all it is, and brief moment. I know a lot of people have it worse off then I do, but seriously I just need "this to shall pass" to pass.
If you are reading this part, thank you for supporting me and reading through that, you are a trooper, and truely a good friend, or sister, or mom, or whomever you are to me.
if we lived closer we could hang more! perhaps someday. man, i hate bad days at school, or bad semesters, i've had some of those, and you're taking super hard classes right now! i think you need to do something for yourself, do the dance class!!
ReplyDeleteYou are by far a better mom than me! That is definitely for sure!
ReplyDeleteYou feel alone, but your are far from alone. However, I understand that laughing by yourself isn't fun. Especially when you laugh and look around to see who else laughed too and now one is there.
I agree with Sharon, take a fun class just to get your mind off the hard classes. I would do that at college. I would flank my hard classes with fun classes, so one, I would go, and two, to relieve the stress. I am excited for you to come here.
I love you tons! You are always though of, so know that you are NOT alone.
This is your blog and you write whatever you want, Bekah. It doesn't matter what other people think or feel. If you have feelings about anything they are REAL to you. Yes, let it all out right here.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be there for you! You don't know it, but I know how you feel in so many ways. I feel your pain and I'm sorry it's not passing fast enough. You are loved by many- remember that when you laugh alone. :)
(((((HUGS))))) Autumn
I'm sorry school is crummy for you right now. My last semester at college I was living by myself (Bethany was engaged pretty much living at Garin's parent's house. Anyway, I was alone, and wondering why I wasn't married yet, and had to take classes I didn't want to, and was overwhelmed with bills and how I was going to eat...anyway, it was tough. However, I was not raising two sweet daughters either. You have reason to be frustrated.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. There is a light! You are strong and are doing so well with all your "drama". If you get tired dialing kim's number, try mine next time.
I love it when you call and talk to me, it makes me feel like the big sista that I am, hoping my advice helps. Wishing I could kick some of JoJo's #$&^%^&%&^.
ReplyDeleteWe all have pity party days, and after we are done with that party we can pick ourselves up and say tomarrow is gonna be a better day.
I know you have a ton of angels watching out for you and the girls. Look how far you have come since Oct? Leaps and bounds in the new strong, independent Rebeka!
Just think of this as a speed bump in your life, and once you get over it, its all downhill from there!
I love you and have faith that all will be well. Your prince charming is searching for you even as I type this!
Rebekah,
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome. Don't let test scores or media, or very uncool male types tell you otherwise! Want me to tell you how many tests i flunked tests in college? I lost track counting and you know what? It workd out in the end. My experience with college is that it is one ginormous test packaged with false advertising. You think you go to learn how to become a teacher, or accountant or musician, etc and while you may learn a few things--its more about learning the rules of life. There are so many ups and downs and frustrations. you learn the most when you learn to relax and look at the big picture.
I honestly hated school because i was so narrowminded and so consumed with my grades and test scores that i learned very little. if i had to do it over again, i would do things so differently. Anyway, i miss you! We pray for you lots! I hope you have a great weekend! I need your address. I have something to mail to you!
You are seriously an amazing woman and a terrific mom. School just sucks, that's all there is to it! It is passing, it's just a slow process. I love you girl and admire you!
ReplyDeleteHey Bekah, as I read through this post, first off, I wished really bad that I could just be there to hug you. Hug you til you weren't lonely anymore, til you quit worrying so much about scores, and until I could make me smile. I also have to say, you should be proud of yourself! It takes ALOt of self confidence to write so openely & honestly about yourself! Not many people can do that! that's what I love about you Bekah! You are so real, and you are such a people person. You have this amazing gift of making others smile. When we were teenagers together, I was going through some tough stuff, & Bekah, you have no idea how much I looked forward to mutual, church & seminary, so I could see you & laugh, and just feel happy. You radiate it! Even while your going through this tough time, the few times I have seen you, eben after all these years, I still saw it! It's just YOU! You are wonderful Bekah. And you just tell those annoying distratcing thoughts to take a hike! I love you! It'll work out, you'll see! ;)
ReplyDeleteBekah - I love you so much! You are so the opposite of anything that has to do with the word "FAIL". You are such an inspiration to me! I admire your courage and strength. And don't feel bad about needing to "let it out" every now and then. I'm always here to listen and my shoulder is pretty good to cry on : )
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I never get your updated posts. :( makes me mad!!!
ReplyDeleteand Yeah...blogs are so you can write what you want to in my opinion. but it can be hard to post what you really want to lol because I don't like offending people. lol
I like how real you are in your posts. Sorry to hear about your test scores. College tests are so hard! I had to retake mine all the time and saw the teacher constantly. The best thing for me is that I would pray before I'd take one. I didn't always get what I wanted, but at least I felt better.
Try to not blame yourself for your situation. And if you felt it was right to leave your previous man, I am sure it was! (esp. with what I have heard. I think you are so strong for doing it!!!) You DESERVE someone who is willing to love you with your 'baggage'. Because there are beautiful things about you too that tip the scales much more in your favor!
My only advice, and advice I try to live by, is be happy with where you are at in your life. :)...so onto happier things...
BE SURE TO CHECK THIS OUT!!!
http://gangsterpixie.blogspot.com/2010/03/awards.html
Hey babe! Listen to all these comments because they are so true! You DID NOT choose to be a single mom! You did what you had to do with what life handed you. Being a single mom came with the decision to do what was right. You chose to make a better happier life for your children even though it was going to be really hard for you, and how many people would be willing to do that? Not as many as you would think! You are strong and brave and beautiful and a wonderful mom!
ReplyDeleteSorry you are having a hard time with school! But you can do it! Just keep on pushing along and eventually it will over and you can have a nice, good paying job and will be more independent and hopefully it will all be worth it!
Oh, hang tough, Rebekah! The school stuff is frustrating, but it'll work itself out. You're doing what you need to do for you and your girls, and you're getting blessed for it already. Why do I have to live so far away? Man . . .
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