Friday, September 25, 2009
Why?
Why is it that I let what you do to me affect me? Why do I allow you to get to me, when I know that your intentions are not at all what they are made out to be? Why am I so lonely when I never had you to begin with? Why do I care? Why did I think that you were the best choice I could have ever made? Why do I cry myself to sleep every night over you? Why did you yell at me? Why is it that every time I see you, all you do is glare at me? Why all of a sudden are you the victim? Why NOW? Why can't you just go away? Why do I focus on you and your needs still? Why is it that no matter what you always get what you want but I do not even get the light of day? Why can't it be about me and not you? Why can't I tell my kids the truth about you? Why can't you move on and leave me and my kids alone? Why is life so hard for me? Why can't I let my hair down? Why can't I be grateful for what I have? Why do I question my beliefs? Why? Why do I have to pay? Why am I not happy, when I have so much to be happy about? Why did I let myself get overweight? Why do I still suffer for your meanness? Why are you still here? Why do I have to keep all of your stuff? Why did you call me that? Why did you hurt me? Why was I always the one that was wrong? Why was nothing good enough? Why do I hate you?Why is it all about YOU?
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i think you're great and i love you! and jayne thinks you're silly
ReplyDeleteI hope your okay:) I write poetry when I want to sort out my thoughts. I'm sorry you are going thru hard times. I hope things get better! I think you are amazing! I love your blog too! It's always so fun!
ReplyDeleteI bet that felt good to get all that out! Is your blog private? You are one tough cookie, and its normal to have all those feelings. Don't give up, You will pull through all this! I love you, and will stand by you no matter what!
ReplyDeleteWhy? Why am I so blessed to have you in my life? Because you make me laugh, you are tough, your are stronge, and you are beautiful! (If only I could add sound effects to this...think of the sound of the deer hitting your car!) You are tough because you are not taking the Devil's crap anymore! You call him on his bull and you are the better person by far! No question about that! And you are so beautiful! You have beautiful white teeth and never even had to wear braces to get them! You smile and make us all feel loved and good! You are kind even when kindness was never shown to you! YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON WHO IS DEALING WITH SO MUCH AND I DON'T THINK I COULD EVER BE STRONG LIKE YOU. This too will pass and we your friends are here to make sure you do make it! (And...after this is all over, we will go to the Devil's house and punch him in the *&^%)$ and he'll say "why?" and we'll reply "YOU KNOW WHY!"
ReplyDeleteDown with the Devil!!!
That must have been hard to share. I am glad that you did. Better out than in.
ReplyDeleteGod doesnt let bad things happen to good people, he only judges our reaction to them.
Keep the faith Beks, it will get better. We love you and will always be here for you.
Hey! I also wanted to say, it is really hard when you spend so much time with someone to completely let them go no matter how mean, hurtful, or horrible they were/are to you. Pray for strength. I think you are beautiful too! Dang girl, you have to be with such adorable kids! I love the friendship we have:) Yeah, it may mostly be through blogs right now but I feel like I have gotten to know you better through them and am excited to see you next time we are up in Washington! I also LOVE that you comment on my blogs! I can always expect to see a new post from you which totally makes my day, because you always have new ideas to tell me! like cake decor! Oh yeah baby! I'm actually going to try it!
ReplyDeletei was bad at my diet too when i was pregnant! I NEVER ate! I was so sick all the time! I lost so much weight, when you are suppose to gain it. at full term I was only 5lbs heavier than I was before I got pregnant! When I did eat it was junk food! Now I'm trying to get back in shape. I think it is one of the hardest thing having your body go thru so many changes, gaining and losing weight so fast. I felt so unhealthy. :) wish me luck!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I was just thinking the other night of a memory of you from way back when you were a Beehive. I think I need to share it here. We were staying overnight in some camp place on the way to the Seattle temple. Everyone else had gone to sleep. I had finished my prayers and was just lying in my bed when I realized you were still praying. I lay there on my bunk and watched you; you prayed for such a long time and you were so obviously communicating deeply with Heavenly Father. I was so, so moved by that.
ReplyDeleteYou have soooo much depth in your soul. Remember that. I love you!